I was going to write about my call to the SARS contact center, and how I was number one-one-two (112) in the queue. But I realised that would just be boasting. 😁 How many people get to be that far down the queue?
RUD and the art of euphimisms
This week SpaceX confirmed that its rocket had experienced a “rapid unscheduled disassembly”. That’s corporate speak for “it exploded”.
This is not a new phrase – the US Military used it as early as 1967. It even has a recognised acronym: RUD. But it wins the prize for corporate euphimisms.
The purpose of communication is to be understood. Most of the time, anyway. But sometimes the purpose is to not be understood. A bit like the way politicians answer questions.
Random excuse generator
Tech jargon is a great way to make sure the person asking you questions won’t understand your answers.
There is a very old program called the BOFH Random Excuse Generator. Here is a screen shot:
It randomly combined words from 4 different columns to produce excuses like this:
“Multiplexed firmware desynchronisation flag”
Don’t worry if you didn’t understand that. You are not supposed to.
For your system problems
You can find random excuse generators on the internet that use AI. Today I used Co-pilot to prepare some new explanations for your next system problem.
Problem: You lost the data
Explanation: “We have encountered an unanticipated instance of irreversible informational displacement.”
Problem: You didn’t plan for that input.
Explanation: “We exercised a strategic omission in our predictive computational foresight modeling.”
Problem: Nobody can log in.
Explanation: “An unforeseen credential validation divergence has induced a comprehensive authentication cessation event, temporarily precluding user-interface synchrony and necessitating rapid procedural recalibration.”
Problem: You have a serious error in your code.
Explanation: “A suboptimal systemic logic articulation has precipitated an unintended procedural divergence, thereby engendering a computational misexecution event of non-trivial significance.”
Nobody is going to understand you now!
Waiting for SARS
I eventually gave up holding for a SARS consultant. I was very close to an RUD myself.
I also experienced a pressing organic waste evacuation contingency. This necessitated an immediate personal excursion to a specialized excretion facilitation chamber, to ensure continued physiological equilibrium and operational efficiency.
In other words: I needed to go to the toilet.
And then a critical neurochemical optimization protocol mandated the immediate consumption of a sucrose-laden, cocoa-infused sustenance unit to ensure optimal psychological resilience and gustatory satisfaction.
In other words: I needed chocolate.
I hope you don’t need any of these explanations during the next week. But if you enjoyed them, please share your comments.