Coding matters: When tech meets taxis

I don’t like driving. My ideal is a Star-Trek-type teleportation device. Just beam me up and get me there instantly.

Until science makes that possible, my second choice is a chauffeur. But that’s out of my price range.

My third choice is a self-driving car. Although every accident makes headlines, statistics show that these cars have fewer accidents than cars driven by humans.

The tech isn’t quite there yet. And when self-driving cars pass all the tests in Europe and North America, will they work in South Africa? I was amazed at how obedient and polite Canadian drivers are. Those are not adjectives I use for South African drivers.

A self-driving car for South Africa will need extra software modules.

Super-swerve module

This is the first necessity. The car must detect and avoid potholes, without causing collisions. Camera detection will not be enough. We may need some kind of x-ray detection. Gauteng thunderstorms can obscure potholes big enough to swallow a small car.

As a bonus, this module must detect when a pothole has been “fixed” with sand and optimism. Like a good citizen, the communications module must report all potholes.

We can upgrade this to include a sinkhole prediction module.

Glow-in-the-dark module

This module will switch on extra lights at night in areas where the street lights are not working. These lights must be bright enough for visibility, but low enough not to blind oncoming traffic.

Rogue-robot module

This upgrade to the standard traffic light module must distinguish between what’s legal and what’s survivable.

It may need advanced machine learning to identify high-risk intersections. If jumping the light is the norm (when isn’t it?), it must wait to avoid being T-boned.

To encourage better driving, it can post photos of the offending car and driver to social media. Name and shame and blame.

Blackout-ballet module

The car must connect to EskomSePush to identify power outages in real time. Then it must reroute around intersections where the traffic lights are out.

This module must also be able to interpret hand signals from volunteer marshals. These must be distinguished from impromptu dance routines by street artists.

Quantum-taxi-evasion module

Another vital module. This sophisticated module must anticipate sudden stops without signals, and mid-lane passenger pickups. It must reinterpret hazard lights to mean “I’m parked here indefinitely.”

And it must never, ever challenge a taxi’s right of way.

Mzanzi-mayhem module

This means more than recognising our uniquely South African “Hijacking Hotspot” traffic signs.
Mzanzi-mayhem mode must cater for threats like hijacking, and stones thrown from bridges.

This will need thermal imaging and motion sensors to detect suspicious figures.
It must calculate the trajectory of falling bricks from bridges, and initiate evasive manoevers.

If the threat is confirmed, the communications unit must alert community WhatsApp groups.

High-end cars might even include a self-defence mode, which can be in either fight or flight mode.

Dodgy-officer-response module

This activates automatically when a police or traffic officer approaches the car. It will record audio and video, and upload it immediately to cloud storage. Just in case.

If the module detects euphemisms like “cold drink,” “something small,” or “we can sort this out”, it must go into corruption detection protocol. This could include sending tip-offs to Corruption Watch and local WhatsApp groups.

That’s a long list. I may have a better chance of teleportation than a self-driving car after all. I’d love to hear your views.